Ideas to help our Children Identify their Feelings

Learning How to Identify and Communicate Feelings

Feelings are neither “good” nor “bad”.  Feelings just “are”.  Many feelings serve important functions.  For example, anger can keep us safe by keeping people at a distance and fear can keep us safe by helping us leave or avoid dangerous situations.  The difficulties with feelings come up when people have trouble identifying what they are feeling and communicating what they are feeling in appropriate ways.  If we can identify our feelings and other people’s feelings and communicate with each other appropriately about our feelings then many problems can be either avoided or reduced.  The following are some ideas about how to teach and learn about feelings together with your child.

1.      Help your child learn how to put feelings into words.  There are many “feelings posters” on the market that put feeling words to various faces.  However, often children benefit from practicing feelings faces and the words that go with them with their parents through games and activities or through picking out feelings from magazine pictures and making their own “feelings poster”.

2.      Model appropriate expression of feelings for your child.  Pay special attention to times when you are experiencing a feeling of some kind (i.e., happy, joyous, sad, depressed, anxious, scared, angry, frustrated, irritated, embarrassed, etc.) and then use that experience as a “teaching moment” for your child.  Express your feeling out loud so that your child can see how you look and hear the name for the feeling.  Try using “I-feel” statements for your child at these times.  For example, if you are happy about something then you might point this out to your child by saying, “I feel happy because you followed my direction so quickly”.  Another example might be saying, “I feel frustrated because dinner is taking longer to fix than I thought it would”.

3.      Coach your child in identifying and expressing their feelings.  When you see your child experiencing a positive or negative emotion you might ask them, “What are you feeling right now?” or “How are you feeling about that?” or you might be more directive if needed and help them to label their feelings by saying something like, “You look frustrated right now.  Is that what you are feeling?”. 

4.      Encourage your child to keep a feelings journal/record each day.  Your child might write out the top 3 positive and negative things that happened that day and the feelings they had about them or they might draw pictures of something they felt happy, sad, or angry about that day.

5.      Discuss feelings and their events as a family each day.  Find a time of the day when family members are together and have each family member talk about the high point of their day and the low point of their day along with the feelings that they experienced during the event.  Times that might work well for this are dinnertime, bedtime, or driving in the car from school.

Some Games & Activities to Teach and Learn about Feelings

Act As-If
Try to behave as though you and your child are “happy” or “sad” or “angry” or “scared” or “ashamed”, etc. while you and your child play a game, make dinner, do the laundry. It allows modeling of feelings and practicing feelings in a fun way, makes it clear that feelings are a normal part of life, and teaches that we can control our feelings.  For example, have the child stomp around the room as if they were mad. Then have them act out other feelings.

Feelings Charades

Using only facial expressions and body language, take turns showing and then guessing what feelings you and your child are expressing.

Feelings Collage
Provide the child with magazines with people and children in them. Have the child cut out the pictures and glue them to a piece of paper. Have the child tell you how each person feels.  You and your child can then also label each picture with a variety of feelings words and make their own feelings poster.
Feelings Art
Ask the child to create a sculpture with clay, paper, cups, cardboard, paint, etc. that shows "angry" "happy", “scared”, "sad" or some other emotion.
Feelings Faces
Provide the child with a variety of precut facial features from magazines. Have the child glue the features on paper plates to create a face.
Feelings Match
Create a feelings memory game with index cards and stickers.

Feelings Song:  If You're Happy and You Know it
If You're Happy and You Know it, Clap your Hands
If You're Happy and You Know it, Clap your Hands
If You're Happy and You Know it, then your face will surely show it
If You're Happy and You Know it, Clap your Hands

Variations:
Angry: Stomp your Feet
Sad: say boo hoo
Tired: go to sleep

Drawing Feelings Faces
Have the child draw happy, sad, angry, scared faces or any other feeling face.

Feelings Vocabulary List:

Aggressive

Angry

Anxious

Arrogant

Ashamed

Bored

Cautious

Confident

Confused

Curious

Disappointed

Disgusted

Elated

Embarrassed

Enraged

Envious

Frustrated

Guilty

Happy

Hurt

Jealous

Joyful

Lonely

Miserable

Nervous

Optimistic

Sad

Satisfied

Scared

Shocked

Stubborn

Surprised

Suspicious

Terrified

Worried

Family Communication

Communication between parents and their children is often one of the most difficult, yet necessary skills for families to master.  So many times we each have our own histories with communication and assumptions about communication (e.g., Children should just do what their told, I'm the parent, My parents never needed to explain their reasoning to me, etc.) that tend to get in the way of effectively talking with our children and, more importantly, creating an environment where our kids and teens feel comfortable talking with us.  The following ideas may help to jumpstart effective communication for you and your children.  Also see the article by Bridget Bencke, published on our blog last year for more ideas about effective communication.

How do You and Your Child Communicate?

Good communication skills are critical between you and your child. It is important that all family members speak to each other with kindness, love, and respect.  It is especially difficult to maintain calm and respectful communication with your child when they are losing their temper and talking to you in a rude way.  When our children are rude, many parents tend to think, “How dare they talk to me that way.  They have no right to talk to me like that.  I would have never talked to my parents that way.”  That may be true.  However, it is at these times, especially, that we need to model polite, respectful, but assertive communication to our children.  This can also keep disagreements from turning to big arguments where nothing gets solved. The chart below shows communication behaviors that either foster positive communication (DO behavior) or arguments and withdrawal (DON’T DO behaviors).  How would you rate yourself?  What might you work on?

I’m Good at This	DO	DON'T DO	I Need to Work on This
True/False	Let your child finish talking	Interrupt	True/False
True/False	Keep your statements brief	Nag and lecture	True/False
True/False	Talk in a calm voice	Talk sarcastically and mockingly	True/False
True/False	Make sure you have eye contact with your child	Talk without good eye contact	True/False
True/False	Sit in a relaxed position	Fidget, move around	True/False
True/False	Combine visual (notes) and auditory means of talking	Over-talking about tasks or directions	True/False
True/False	Take your child’s feelings seriously	Discount feelings	True/False
True/False	Stay focused on one issue at a time	Change the topic	True/False
True/False	Give 1 direction at a time	Give a series of directions	True/False
True/False	Give directions as a statement	Give directions as a question	True/False
True/False	Speak to your child with a respectful voice	Call names or mock or yell	True/False
True/False	Stay calm even when angry or scared	Threaten	True/False
True/False	Share feelings about positive actions and negative actions of your child	Primarily share feelings about negative behavior	True/False

Parent/Child Letter

This is an exercise in honest communication between a parent and their teenage child(ren).  The parent writes this letter to their teenager and the teen writes a letter to their parent. 

Write a letter (in letter format) to your child/parent that includes information from the following 9 statement stems.  Please write this independently, do not show it to your teenager/parent, and bring it back to our next therapy appointment.

1.                 What I like about you is …

2.                 The thing that you do that I don’t like is …

3.                 What I want from you …

4.                 What I need from you …

5.                 What I don’t want from you …

6.                 What I don’t want but I am willing to accept because it’s you …

7.                 What I am not willing to accept from you under any circumstances

8.                 What I want for the future of our relationship (My plan for what I want to happen) …

9.                 What I am willing to do to make this plan (#8) come true …

* Developed by Donald Kaesser, Ph.D. for use with couples.  Adapted for use with parents and their teenage children.

Steps for Effective Anger Control

Try out the following set of steps for controlling anger.  I find that making this sort of plan works best if each person in the family uses it and makes their own plan for anger control.  That way, each family member can help the others in controlling anger in healthy ways.

Steps for Effective Anger Control

1.  Learning to recognize anger signs – Help your child learn to recognize these in themselves (i.e., tingling, thumping heart, warm face, voice tone, sweating, rapid breathing).

•Does voice get loud or soft?

•Does body go fast or slow?

•Does body get stiff like a dry noodle?

•Do you breathe faster or slower?

•Do you feel hot or cold anywhere?

•Do your hands get dry or sweaty?

•Do your thoughts go fast or slow?

2.    If your child (or you) feel EVEN 1 of these anger signs then GET OUT OF SITUATION (Calm down space).  DO NOT try to talk or problem-solve until calm.

3.    Learn and use relaxation skills – Teach your child to calm themselves in some way when they notice even one of the above signs

• Take a walk

• Listen to music

• Count to 25

• Splash cold water on face

• Take a shower

• Exercise

• Draw a picture

• Scribble in different colors

• Use deep breathing methods

·        Use cool-down statements (e.g., I have the skills to calm myself down, etc.)

4.  When calm then talk about whatever issue needs to be dealt with.  Resolve the angry situation:

•         Use assertive communication

•         Use the DECIDE steps

Self-Talk for Teens

The following form can often be helpful in teaching your teen how to notice their negative self-talk and begin to change it to a more healthy set of messages that they can give to themselves.

Changing Unhelpful Thoughts

Problem Situation	Upsetting Self-Talk	Questions to Ask Myself about My Thoughts
In this column, write in the situation that is upsetting you.	In this column, write in the thoughts that are causing upset feelings.	1.     What is unhelpful about this thought? 2.     How does this unhelpful thought make me feel? 3.     Is it a good idea to keep thinking this thought? 4.     What could I think that would be more realistic?
I’m receiving poor grades in school.	I give up.  It’s no use trying at school anymore.
I didn't get invited to go to the movies with some of my friends.	My friends don’t like me.  They’re stupid.
There's a big math test tomorrow and I don't understand the work.	I can’t do anything right.  I’m a failure.
My brother got a raise in his allowance and I didn't.	My parents aren’t fair.  My brother always gets more than me.
Jack bumped into me and knocked my books out of my hand.	Jack did that on purpose.  He wants me to look stupid.
I performed poorly in my basketball game.	I have to do perfectly in order for others to like me or respect me.

Problem Solving Methods for Kids and Families

The following ideas are some of my favorite Problem Solving Models that I have used with many families and schools over the years

Decision-Making Tree

Plan 1:  Use my self-calming methods when strong feelings come up

If:  I use my self-calming methods

Then:  I will be able to calm down and feel better

If:  I am able to calm down and feel better

Then:  I will be able to think more clearly

If:  I can think more clearly

Then:  I will make a better decision and won’t get into trouble

Plan 2:  Don’t use my self-calming methods when strong feelings come up

If:  I don’t use my self-calming methods

Then:  I will feel more and more upset

If:  I feel more and more upset

Then:  I will say or do something that hurts me or someone else in some way

If : I hurt me or someone else in some way

Then:  I will get into trouble or lose a friend, etc.

DECIDE Family-Problem Solving Method

D......................... Describe the problem

E…..................... Express feelings

C.................... Come up with

I..................... Ideas

D......................... Do the solution

E......................... Evaluate your choice and redo if needed

Here's One that works better for Younger Children

Problem-Solving Sheet for Younger Children (up to approx. age 10)

WHEN did the problem occur?

□ morning                               □ afternoon                             □ evening

WHERE were you?

□ my classroom                      □ lunchroom                            □ playground

□ another classroom                □ bathroom                             □ halls

□ art room                              □ office                                   □ my home

□ music room                          □ gym                                     □ daycare

□ in my neighborhood  □ other ____________________________

WHAT happened?

□ Somebody teased me

□ Somebody started fighting with me

□ Somebody told me to do something

□ Somebody did something I didn’t like

□ Somebody touched me somewhere I didn’t like

□ Somebody took something of mine

□ I didn’t show respect to somebody

□ I something wrong

What?______________________

□ I didn’t follow somebody’s directions

□ I had a problem with my schoolwork

□ I was mad about something

What?______________________

WHO was the other person(s)?

□ Another student

□ A teacher

□ A member of my family

□ The bus driver

□ One of my friends

□ Someone in my neighborhood

□ Other ___________________

How angry were you?

□ burning           □ really angry           □ sort of mad        □ mad but ok        □ not mad

What did you do?

□ Hit back

□ Ran away

□ Yelled

□ Cried

□ Broke something

□ Threw something

□ Had a tantrum

□ Tore up my paper

□ Argued with someone

□ Was restrained

□ Walked away calmly

□ Kept on task

□ Talked it out

□ Ignored it

□ Controlled my temper

□ Listened to music

□ Took a time out

□ Took deep breaths

□ Played a game

□ Told a friend

□ Told a teacher

□ Told my parent

□ Told a neighbor

□ Told the bus driver

□ Told another adult

□ Other ____________

How would you say you HANDLED YOURSELF?

     1                         2                       3                      4                         5

Poorly              not so well              okay                 good                   great

List 3 BETTER WAYS to handle the problem:

1.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

2.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

3.

What is your PLAN for the next time?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Relaxation Ideas for Children

Try Out Some of the Following Methods of Relaxation with your Kids (or for yourself too)

Feel free to be creative with any of these and above all, HAVE FUN! 

Deep Breathing Methods

·   Breathe slowly and deeply in through nose and out through mouth

·   Count exhales backwards from 10 or 20 or 40

·   Blow up a balloon (breathe in through nose and out through mouth)

·   Have a contest with parent (tape a strip of paper to bridge of glasses and see who can keep it out the longest with a slow deep exhale)

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

·   Learn to tense and relax multiple muscle groups in succession (do not hold tension longer than 3 seconds before relaxing)

o   Hands (clench fists)

o   Arms (press arms into arms of your chair)

o   Face (scrunch up eyes and make a big smile)

o   Neck (push head back against back of chair)

o   Chest/Abdomen (take deep breath and hold it, push air out while holding breath)

o   Legs/feet (point toes back towards self and dig heels into ground)

Do other relaxing activities

·   Listen to music

·   Read a favorite book

·   Color a picture

·   Draw a picture

·   Journal

·   Scribble with crayons

·   Take a warm bath

·   Exercise

·   Take a walk

·   Meditate

·   Fill out a thought log (if learning cognitive therapy from a therapist)

·   Use grounding techniques (focus attention on objects around you, describe an object around you in great detail)