How do You and Your Child Communicate? |
Good communication skills are critical between you and your child. It is important that all family members speak to each other with kindness, love, and respect. It is especially difficult to maintain calm and respectful communication with your child when they are losing their temper and talking to you in a rude way. When our children are rude, many parents tend to think, “How dare they talk to me that way. They have no right to talk to me like that. I would have never talked to my parents that way.” That may be true. However, it is at these times, especially, that we need to model polite, respectful, but assertive communication to our children. This can also keep disagreements from turning to big arguments where nothing gets solved. The chart below shows communication behaviors that either foster positive communication (DO behavior) or arguments and withdrawal (DON’T DO behaviors). How would you rate yourself? What might you work on? |
I’m Good at This | DO | DON'T DO | I Need to Work on This |
True/False | Let your child finish talking | Interrupt | True/False |
True/False | Keep your statements brief | Nag and lecture | True/False |
True/False | Talk in a calm voice | Talk sarcastically and mockingly | True/False |
True/False | Make sure you have eye contact with your child | Talk without good eye contact | True/False |
True/False | Sit in a relaxed position | Fidget, move around | True/False |
True/False | Combine visual (notes) and auditory means of talking | Over-talking about tasks or directions | True/False |
True/False | Take your child’s feelings seriously | Discount feelings | True/False |
True/False | Stay focused on one issue at a time | Change the topic | True/False |
True/False | Give 1 direction at a time | Give a series of directions | True/False |
True/False | Give directions as a statement | Give directions as a question | True/False |
True/False | Speak to your child with a respectful voice | Call names or mock or yell | True/False |
True/False | Stay calm even when angry or scared | Threaten | True/False |
True/False | Share feelings about positive actions and negative actions of your child | Primarily share feelings about negative behavior | True/False |
Parent/Child Letter
This is an exercise in honest communication between a parent and their teenage child(ren). The parent writes this letter to their teenager and the teen writes a letter to their parent.
Write a letter (in letter format) to your child/parent that includes information from the following 9 statement stems. Please write this independently, do not show it to your teenager/parent, and bring it back to our next therapy appointment.
1. What I like about you is …
2. The thing that you do that I don’t like is …
3. What I want from you …
4. What I need from you …
5. What I don’t want from you …
6. What I don’t want but I am willing to accept because it’s you …
7. What I am not willing to accept from you under any circumstances
8. What I want for the future of our relationship (My plan for what I want to happen) …
9. What I am willing to do to make this plan (#8) come true …
* Developed by Donald Kaesser, Ph.D. for use with couples. Adapted for use with parents and their teenage children.