My Child Just Doesn't Listen...How Many Times Do I Have to Tell You?????

My Child Just Doesn’t Listen…How Many Times Do I Have to Tell You?????
6 Strategies to Help You GET THROUGH to your Child
By: Bridget Bencke, M.A., LMHC; Central Iowa Psychological Services



Parents often tell me that they want to be able to connect and talk with their children in a more effective way. Of course, communication is the most important way of engaging others. Whether we are using verbal or nonverbal messages, we are impacting the success of the relationship.

Every day I witness relationships growing in a positive direction between parents and children when effective communication strategies are used. Each day I help families focus on communication here at Central Iowa Psychological Services in the Des Moines area. If communication between family members is good, then their relationships are also typically positive.

Follow these 6 Communication Strategies to Get through to Your Child

1. Parents are the role models for their children. Kids watch their parents to learn how to engage with others. For example, if a parent uses respectful words and questions, then the child is most likely to demonstrate that as well. However, if a parent is not responding to the child and looking away or interrupting, then the child will more commonly follow that example.

2. Communicating is not just talking. It also involves listening, responding, demonstrating with actions and using one’s face and body. We pass our values to our children with our communication styles, as well as how to respond to a problem. I often tell parents to talk out loud in front of their children in order to model how to handle a conflict. For example, a mother could state the following “oh no, mom dropped the glass of water. That’s okay; I know how to fix the problem. I can get a cloth and clean it”. Talking out loud as well as responding positively to a situation can help show children how to deal with frustrations or problems.

3. First and foremost, parents need to make themselves available to their children. That means whether their children are sharing good or bad news, excitement or stressful topics, parents need to have free time and a safe place to communicate. Depending on the age of the child, parents will need to adjust the ways they communicate, such as using age appropriate language and sitting with them so they are physically on the same level of their child. Parents, remember you are talking to a child so use words they will understand.

4. As mentioned earlier, listening is also just as important, if not the most important concept, when communicating. When you are listening to your children, you are showing them that you care about what they are saying. Make eye contact with your children and use facial expressions or nod your head to let your children know you hear what they are saying, regardless if you agree or disagree with their words. As the parent, show you are listening by keeping a closed mouth and not interrupting. Also as a listener, let your children know you have heard what they are telling you. You could say “so what you are telling me is…” or “I’m hearing you say…”.

5. When communicating with your child, use open ended questions to help your children express themselves openly. Open ended questions will allow your children to elaborate. Instead of “Did you have a good day?” you could ask “what was your favorite part of your day?”

6. One of the most important tools to enhance communication is to engage in routine meetings such as family night, dinner time and before bed time talks. During family sessions, I highly encourage each member of the family to lead and share thoughts and feelings in the family meeting without being judged, interrupted, or criticized.



Here’s What NOT TO DO

Some common mistakes parent make when engaging with their children include:

1. being too quick to judge, blame, interrupt or criticize. When you use these tactics with your children they in turn will use them with you.

2. I often remind parents to put their thoughts over their emotions when communicating with their children. Yelling is one of the worst ways to communicate and typically parents regret what they have stated out of anger. The secret I share with families I work with is that a soft and controlled tone of voice is most effective. Think about it, would you rather listen to someone yelling at you or speaking gently and firmly.



Remember children learn to communicate by watching and interacting with their parents. By demonstrating healthy communication skills, parents and their children can have trusting and open relationships.



Bridget Bencke is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Central Iowa Psychological Services in the Des Moines area (West Des Moines, IA). She specializes in the assessment and treatment of children, teens, and families with a wide variety of presenting concerns including divorce-related stress, social problems, anger management problems, ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Ms. Bencke is accepting new clients at our West Des Moines location.

Please feel free to call us for more information or to schedule an appointment at (515) 222-1999.