Managing the Stress In Your Life

In the last post, we discussed what stress is and what causes it. In this issue, you will learn how to manage the stress in your life and protect yourself against it.

Learn to Have Healthy Relationships

This subject could fill an entire book. In the limited space of this blog post, let’s look at the key components of this stress-reducing strategy.

1.    Identify the sources of stress in your relationships. Write about them in a journal. Make a list of people who cause you stress and explore what the issues are.

2.    Resolve the underlying issues. For each of the situations identified in step 1, assess what needs to happen to resolve it. Make a list and design a plan to improve the situation.

3.    Learn skills to improve relationships. Relationship skills are learned. We are not born knowing how to get along well with others, and most of us learned only limited skills from our parents. Identify the skills you need to develop, and make a plan for yourself. You can learn these skills by reading books, taking classes, or working with a therapist.

4.    Avoid toxic people and situations. Some people have a toxic effect on you. If you can, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Look for opportunities to decline their invitations. When these people are family members, remind yourself that you don’t have to feel guilty about avoiding anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. In work situations, look for ways to rearrange your schedule or your workspace to avoid interacting with such people.

5.    Seek out positive people and situations. This step is the reverse of the previous step. Look for opportunities to spend more time with people and in situations that make you feel good. Think about people who make you feel good about yourself and look for ways to increase time with them.

6.    Watch what you eat. Some substances amplify the stress response. These include:

•  Caffeine stimulates the release of stress hormones. This increases heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen to the heart. Ongoing exposure to caffeine can harm the tissue of the heart.

•  Refined sugar and processed flour are depleted of needed vitamins. In times of stress, certain vitamins help the body maintain the nervous and endocrine systems.

•  Too much salt can lead to excessive fluid retention. This can lead to nervous tension and higher blood pressure. Stress often adds to the problem by causing increased blood pressure.

•  Smoking not only causes disease and shortens life, it leads to increased heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration.

•  Alcohol robs the body of nutrition that it might otherwise use for cell growth and repair. It also harms the liver and adds empty calories to the body.

During times of high stress, eat more complex carbohydrates (fruits, vegetables, whole breads, cereals, and beans).

7.    Get moving. The human body was designed to be physically active. However, in most jobs today, people are sitting down most of the time. They hardly move at all except when it is time for coffee break or lunch. When faced with stressors, we respond with our minds, not our bodies. It is no wonder that many of us have a difficult time responding to stressful events.

Exercise is one of the simplest and most effective ways to respond to stress. Activity provides a natural release for the body during its fight-or-flight state of arousal. After exercising, the body returns to its normal state of equilibrium, and one feels relaxed and refreshed.

8.    Look for ways to let go of tension and anxiety. Meditation and progressive relaxation are two valuable ways to regenerate and refresh yourself. You can purchase meditation and relaxation audiotapes or record your own. This is especially important because your health and long life depend on minimizing stress and achieving a sense of balance and well-being.

Suggested Reading

Jeff Davidson, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Managing Stress. New York, NY:Alpha Books, 1997.

J. Barton Cunningham, The Stress Management Sourcebook. Los Angeles, CA: Lowell House, 1997.

Lori Leyden-Rubinstein, The Stress Management Handbook: Strategies for Health and Inner Peace. New Caanan, CT: 1998

Peter G. Hanson, Stress For Success. New York, NY:Doubleday, 1989.

Peter G. Hanson, The Joy of Stress. Kansas City, MO:Andrews &McMeel, 1985.

______________________________________________________________________

Warren Phillips, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist and is the Owner and CEO of Central Iowa Psychological Services (a group practice located in Ames and West Des Moines, Iowa).  Dr. Phillips also teaches as a Senior Lecturer in the Psychology Department at Iowa State University and conducts workshops for parents and professionals on a variety of topics all over Iowa.  Call us at 515-222-1999 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting            515-222-1999      end_of_the_skype_highlighting or email at whp@iowacounseling.com if you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment or discuss a possible speaking engagement with Dr. Phillips.

Stress: What it is and What Causes it!

By: Warren H. Phillips, Ph.D.

In this post, we will explore what stress is and what causes it. In the next, you will learn how to manage the stress in your life and protect yourself against it.

Stress Is a Response

Most experts define stress as a response to life situations like the following:

1.         Having too many responsibilities

2.         Vague or confusing expectations

3.         Having to do unpleasant tasks

4.         Facing too many distractions

5.         Having to do tasks for which one is unprepared

6.         Working with difficult people

7.         Being bored

8.         Being sick

9.         Experiencing too many changes

10.       Being in physical danger

11.       Living or working in a crowded space

12.       Not getting enough exercise

13.       Poor nutrition

14.       Not getting enough sleep

15.       Not enough time to relax

16.       Being dissatisfied with your physical appearance

17.       Abusing drugs or alcohol, or being close to someone who abuses them

Social and Cultural Causes of Stress

Stress has become a factor in our culture in the last 20 years because of things that were originally designed to make life less stressful. Conveniences such as ATM machines, microwave ovens, and fax machines have made life easier in many ways, but they also have woven an expectation of instant gratification into our culture. And this causes stress.

Here are a few other examples of products and services that were invented to make life more efficient and productive, but which sometimes seem instead to add to stress:

•  24-hour stores and restaurants

•  One-hour photo developing

•  Drive-thru fast food

•  10-minute oil change

•  Web sites, with their instant access to unlimited information

•  Catalog and Internet shopping

•  Personal computers

•  E-mail

•  CNN Headline News

•  30-minute pizza delivery

Stress at Work

Almost everyone complains of stress at work these days. It often results from one of the following:

1.         Having too much or too little work to do

2.         Having to do work that is very complicated and demanding

3.         Having to do work that is boring and repetitive

4.         Having unclear goals and expectations

5.         Having to follow changing or confusing procedures

6.         Being at a career dead end

7.         Working in a company with an impersonal management philosophy

Who Work Stress Affects Most

Stress affects people in every type of work setting.

People at the top of organizations suffer from stress because of excessive workloads, unrealistic expectations, and isolation. The phrase “it’s lonely at the top” has some truth to it.

Middle managers often experience stress because they have responsibility for the people who report to them, but lack the control to execute what is expected. With the recent epidemic of corporate downsizing, middle managers have also been given greater and greater workloads. Managers who manage to keep their jobs often feel like they are living in the shadow of termination.

Professionals suffer from their own brand of stress caused by monotony. Doctors, lawyers, and other professionals often perform the same kind of work for many years, resulting in boredom and desperation.

Workers at the lower levels of today’s organizations often feel stress caused by boredom and the frustration of dealing with the public. They also may feel less successful than their coworkers in higher-level jobs and may feel stressed by their lack of status.

Why Workplace Stress Has Increased

1.    The nature of work has changed. The fight-or-flight responses to stress are ineffective in response to the stresses of today’s life.

2.    The workplace has become decentralized. In many places, people no longer work together in one place, but may be scattered around the world or work from home, connected by technology.

3.    People change with each generation. Baby Boomers differ from Generation Xers in terms of their values, work ethic, and their definitions of success. These generational differences contribute to stress at work.

How Stress Affects Women

Both genders experience stress. It affects women in some unique ways, however. Here are a few of them:

1.      Overall, women are still paid less than men for the same work.

2.      Women still face a glass ceiling as they climb the corporate ladder. A recent report stated that only 2% of the members of top management of North American corporations are women.

3.      Women who choose to have children are usually responsible for the logistics of child care.

4.      Women with children often do more housework when they get home than their husbands do.

5.      Compared with men, women with children also tend to experience more guilt feelings about leaving their children to go to work.

In the next post, we will explore ways you can manage stress and keep it from detracting from the quality of your life.

Warren Phillips, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist and is the Owner and CEO of Central Iowa Psychological Services (a group practice located in Ames and West Des Moines, Iowa).  Dr. Phillips also teaches as a Senior Lecturer in the Psychology Department at Iowa State University and conducts workshops for parents and professionals on a variety of topics all over Iowa.  Call us at 515-222-1999 or email at whp@iowacounseling.com if you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment or discuss a possible speaking engagement with Dr. Phillips.

Suggested Reading

Jeff Davidson, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Managing Stress. New York, NY:Alpha Books, 1997.

J. Barton Cunningham, The Stress Management Sourcebook. Los Angeles, CA: Lowell House, 1997.

Lori Leyden-Rubinstein, The Stress Management Handbook: Strategies for Health and Inner Peace. New Caanan, CT: 1998

Peter G. Hanson, Stress For Success. New York, NY:Doubleday, 1989.

Peter G. Hanson, The Joy of Stress. Kansas City, MO:Andrews &McMeel, 1985.

What to Do about the Holiday Blues

Not everyone shares in the celebration and joy associated with the holidays. Many people feel stressed and unhappy in response to the demands of shopping for gifts, spending large amounts of money, attending parties and family gatherings, and entertaining houseguests. It is not uncommon to react to these stresses with excessive drinking and eating, difficulty sleeping, and physical complaints. The holiday blues are a common result. If you experience reactions like these during the holidays, you are not alone. Let’s take a look at what causes the holiday blues and what you can do about them.

What Causes the Holiday Blues?

Fear of disappointing others. Some people fear disappointing their loved ones during the holidays. Even though they can’t afford to spend a lot of money on gifts, some people feel so obligated to come through with a fancy gift that they spend more than they can afford.

Expecting gifts to improve relationships. Giving someone a nice present won’t necessarily strengthen a friendship or romantic relationship. When your gifts don’t produce the reactions you had hoped for, you may feel let down.

Anniversary reactions. If someone important to you passed away or left you during a past holiday season, you may become depressed as the anniversary approaches.

Bad memories. For some families, the holidays are times of chaos and confusion. This is especially true in families where people have substance abuse problems or dysfunctional ways of relating to each other. If this was true in your family in past years, you may always carry memories of the disappointment and upheaval that came with the holidays. Even though things may be better now, it is difficult to forget the times when your holidays were ruined by substance abuse and family dysfunction.

It could be SAD. People who live in northern states may experience depression during the winter because of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD results from fewer hours of sunlight as the
days grow shorter during the winter months.

Strategies for Dealing with the Holiday Blues

While the holiday blues are usually temporary, these ideas can help make this year’s holiday experience more pleasant and less stressful.

Be realistic. Don’t expect the holiday season to solve all past problems. The forced cheerfulness of the holiday season cannot ward off sadness or loneliness.

Drink less alcohol. Even though drinking alcohol gives you a temporary feeling of well-being, it is a depressant and never makes anything better.

Give yourself permission not to feel cheerful. Accept how you are feeling. If you have recently experienced a loss, you can’t expect yourself to put on a happy face. Tell others how you are feeling and what you need.

Have a spending limit and stick to it. Look for holiday activities that are free, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations. Go window-shopping without purchasing anything. Look for ways to show people you care without spending a lot.

Be honest. Express your feelings to those around you in a constructive, honest, and open way. If you need to confront someone with a problem, begin your sentences with “I feel.”

Look for sources of support. Learn about offerings at mental health centers, churches, and synagogues. Many of these have special support groups, workshops, and other activities designed to help people deal with the holiday blues.

Give yourself special care. Schedule times to relax and pamper yourself. Take a warm bath or spend an evening with a good book.

Set limits and priorities. Be realistic about what you will be able to accomplish. Prepare a To-Do list to help you arrange your priorities.

Volunteer your time. If you are troubled because you won’t be seeing your family, volunteer to work at a hospital or food bank. Volunteering can help raise your spirits by turning your focus to people who are less fortunate than you are.

Get some exercise. Exercise has a positive impact on depression because it boosts serotonin levels. Try to get some type of exercise at least twice each week.

After the Holidays

For some people, holiday blues continue into the new year. This is often caused by leftover feelings of disappointment during the holiday season and being physically exhausted. The blues also happen for some people because the start of a new year is a time of reflection, which can produce anxiety.

Is It More than Just the Holiday Blues?

Clinical depression is more than just feeling sad for a few weeks. The symptoms generally include changes in appetite and sleep patterns, having less interest in daily activities, difficulty concentrating, and a general feeling of hopelessness.

Clinical depression requires professional treatment. If you are concerned that a friend or relative may be suffering from more than just holiday blues, you should express your concerns. If the person expresses thoughts of worthlessness or suicide, it is important to seek the help of a qualified mental health professional.

________________________

By: Warren Phillips, Ph.D.

Dr. Phillips is the Owner and Clinical Director of Central Iowa Psychological Services.  He works with many different populations, teaches classes in Psychology, writes, and conducts workshops to parents and professionals all over Iowa.  Feel free to give us a call at 515-222-1999 if you have any questions.

Helpful Hints for Traveling with Families During the Holidays

Hey Everybody!
Here's just a few helpful hints for traveling with your families during the holidays.  When you're traveling try the following:

• Plan Ahead
• Leave extra time for travel
• Check your travel routes for road conditions
• Check departure times for airlines ahead of time if traveling by air
• Plan for pet care (pet sitting, etc.)
• Make sure to bring games and activities for your child to do during car trips and airline trips
• Prepare for illness and injury (e.g., bandaids, first aid, know where local ER is if out of town)
• Double-check that you packed your necessities
• Medications
• Cell phone chargers
• Game chargers
• Any special toys for your children
• Special bedtime items
• Journal
• Homework assignments given to you by your therapist :-)
• Be Flexible
• People have a lot of expectations about how the holidays should go with family.  Remember that families helped to create your buttons and they may have a tendency to push them:-)
• In general, try not to SHOULD all over yourself during the holidays
• Try to stay in the moment and enjoy your experiences, however they may come
• Communicate, Communicate, Communicate with your kids and family
• Discuss the itinerary with your family members
• As best as you can try to discuss your plans with family members
• Discuss your expectations for your children's behavior, such as manners and how we treat each other
• Discuss your expectations for how your children should behave during car trips and while in the airport(s)
• Create a plan WITH your child for what they can do if they get overwhelmed or upset during the holidays and visits
• Share the REASON FOR THE SEASON and about family traditions
• Know your own stressors and have a plan to deal with them
• Have a list of coping skills to use
• If you have a sponsor (AA), have their phone number readily available
• Take moments to soak it all in and remember that this is a vacation
• Remember to create memories along the way
• Remember that joy is always there, even if we have to take a moment to look for it

Happy Holidays from our CIPS family to yours:-)

My Child Just Doesn't Listen...How Many Times Do I Have to Tell You?????

My Child Just Doesn’t Listen…How Many Times Do I Have to Tell You?????
6 Strategies to Help You GET THROUGH to your Child
By: Bridget Bencke, M.A., LMHC; Central Iowa Psychological Services



Parents often tell me that they want to be able to connect and talk with their children in a more effective way. Of course, communication is the most important way of engaging others. Whether we are using verbal or nonverbal messages, we are impacting the success of the relationship.

Every day I witness relationships growing in a positive direction between parents and children when effective communication strategies are used. Each day I help families focus on communication here at Central Iowa Psychological Services in the Des Moines area. If communication between family members is good, then their relationships are also typically positive.

Follow these 6 Communication Strategies to Get through to Your Child

1. Parents are the role models for their children. Kids watch their parents to learn how to engage with others. For example, if a parent uses respectful words and questions, then the child is most likely to demonstrate that as well. However, if a parent is not responding to the child and looking away or interrupting, then the child will more commonly follow that example.

2. Communicating is not just talking. It also involves listening, responding, demonstrating with actions and using one’s face and body. We pass our values to our children with our communication styles, as well as how to respond to a problem. I often tell parents to talk out loud in front of their children in order to model how to handle a conflict. For example, a mother could state the following “oh no, mom dropped the glass of water. That’s okay; I know how to fix the problem. I can get a cloth and clean it”. Talking out loud as well as responding positively to a situation can help show children how to deal with frustrations or problems.

3. First and foremost, parents need to make themselves available to their children. That means whether their children are sharing good or bad news, excitement or stressful topics, parents need to have free time and a safe place to communicate. Depending on the age of the child, parents will need to adjust the ways they communicate, such as using age appropriate language and sitting with them so they are physically on the same level of their child. Parents, remember you are talking to a child so use words they will understand.

4. As mentioned earlier, listening is also just as important, if not the most important concept, when communicating. When you are listening to your children, you are showing them that you care about what they are saying. Make eye contact with your children and use facial expressions or nod your head to let your children know you hear what they are saying, regardless if you agree or disagree with their words. As the parent, show you are listening by keeping a closed mouth and not interrupting. Also as a listener, let your children know you have heard what they are telling you. You could say “so what you are telling me is…” or “I’m hearing you say…”.

5. When communicating with your child, use open ended questions to help your children express themselves openly. Open ended questions will allow your children to elaborate. Instead of “Did you have a good day?” you could ask “what was your favorite part of your day?”

6. One of the most important tools to enhance communication is to engage in routine meetings such as family night, dinner time and before bed time talks. During family sessions, I highly encourage each member of the family to lead and share thoughts and feelings in the family meeting without being judged, interrupted, or criticized.



Here’s What NOT TO DO

Some common mistakes parent make when engaging with their children include:

1. being too quick to judge, blame, interrupt or criticize. When you use these tactics with your children they in turn will use them with you.

2. I often remind parents to put their thoughts over their emotions when communicating with their children. Yelling is one of the worst ways to communicate and typically parents regret what they have stated out of anger. The secret I share with families I work with is that a soft and controlled tone of voice is most effective. Think about it, would you rather listen to someone yelling at you or speaking gently and firmly.



Remember children learn to communicate by watching and interacting with their parents. By demonstrating healthy communication skills, parents and their children can have trusting and open relationships.



Bridget Bencke is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Central Iowa Psychological Services in the Des Moines area (West Des Moines, IA). She specializes in the assessment and treatment of children, teens, and families with a wide variety of presenting concerns including divorce-related stress, social problems, anger management problems, ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Ms. Bencke is accepting new clients at our West Des Moines location.

Please feel free to call us for more information or to schedule an appointment at (515) 222-1999.

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