My Child Just Doesn’t Listen…How Many Times Do I Have to Tell You?????
6 Strategies to Help You GET THROUGH to your Child
By: Bridget Bencke, M.A., LMHC; Central Iowa Psychological Services
Parents often tell me that they want to be able to connect and talk with their children in a more effective way. Of course, communication is the most important way of engaging others. Whether we are using verbal or nonverbal messages, we are impacting the success of the relationship.
Every day I witness relationships growing in a positive direction between parents and children when effective communication strategies are used. Each day I help families focus on communication here at Central Iowa Psychological Services in the Des Moines area. If communication between family members is good, then their relationships are also typically positive.
Follow these 6 Communication Strategies to Get through to Your Child
1. Parents are the role models for their children. Kids watch their parents to learn how to engage with others. For example, if a parent uses respectful words and questions, then the child is most likely to demonstrate that as well. However, if a parent is not responding to the child and looking away or interrupting, then the child will more commonly follow that example.
2. Communicating is not just talking. It also involves listening, responding, demonstrating with actions and using one’s face and body. We pass our values to our children with our communication styles, as well as how to respond to a problem. I often tell parents to talk out loud in front of their children in order to model how to handle a conflict. For example, a mother could state the following “oh no, mom dropped the glass of water. That’s okay; I know how to fix the problem. I can get a cloth and clean it”. Talking out loud as well as responding positively to a situation can help show children how to deal with frustrations or problems.
3. First and foremost, parents need to make themselves available to their children. That means whether their children are sharing good or bad news, excitement or stressful topics, parents need to have free time and a safe place to communicate. Depending on the age of the child, parents will need to adjust the ways they communicate, such as using age appropriate language and sitting with them so they are physically on the same level of their child. Parents, remember you are talking to a child so use words they will understand.
4. As mentioned earlier, listening is also just as important, if not the most important concept, when communicating. When you are listening to your children, you are showing them that you care about what they are saying. Make eye contact with your children and use facial expressions or nod your head to let your children know you hear what they are saying, regardless if you agree or disagree with their words. As the parent, show you are listening by keeping a closed mouth and not interrupting. Also as a listener, let your children know you have heard what they are telling you. You could say “so what you are telling me is…” or “I’m hearing you say…”.
5. When communicating with your child, use open ended questions to help your children express themselves openly. Open ended questions will allow your children to elaborate. Instead of “Did you have a good day?” you could ask “what was your favorite part of your day?”
6. One of the most important tools to enhance communication is to engage in routine meetings such as family night, dinner time and before bed time talks. During family sessions, I highly encourage each member of the family to lead and share thoughts and feelings in the family meeting without being judged, interrupted, or criticized.
Here’s What NOT TO DO
Some common mistakes parent make when engaging with their children include:
1. being too quick to judge, blame, interrupt or criticize. When you use these tactics with your children they in turn will use them with you.
2. I often remind parents to put their thoughts over their emotions when communicating with their children. Yelling is one of the worst ways to communicate and typically parents regret what they have stated out of anger. The secret I share with families I work with is that a soft and controlled tone of voice is most effective. Think about it, would you rather listen to someone yelling at you or speaking gently and firmly.
Remember children learn to communicate by watching and interacting with their parents. By demonstrating healthy communication skills, parents and their children can have trusting and open relationships.
Bridget Bencke is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Central Iowa Psychological Services in the Des Moines area (West Des Moines, IA). She specializes in the assessment and treatment of children, teens, and families with a wide variety of presenting concerns including divorce-related stress, social problems, anger management problems, ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Ms. Bencke is accepting new clients at our West Des Moines location.
Please feel free to call us for more information or to schedule an appointment at (515) 222-1999.
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Sunday, November 27, 2011
Seniors and Holiday Depression
Seniors and Holiday Depression
by Karen Ahrens, PsyD
"Have a Merry Christmas." "Happy Holidays." "Glad tidings." " It's the most wonderful time of the year." We expect that these things will be true during a "joyous holiday season." For most of us the holidays are a happy time to gather with friends and family to celebrate and to reflect on the past. For some, especially older individuals, the holidays can be a difficult time of year. There are financial limitations, difficulty getting around to religious services or holiday events, and lessened ability to write or read holiday correspondence. During the holidays older adults may also feel more acutely the passing of time, the absence of parents, siblings or friends who have died and the distance of loved ones who have moved away. These feelings are generally temporary and the individual returns to his or her normal mood state as the holidays end and their normal day to day routine sets back in. For some however the holidays are a time when they recognize depression. The difference is, that a clinically depressed person suffers from symptoms that interfere with his or her ability to function in everyday life and that these symptoms include much more than just feeling "blue."
Recognizing depression in older adults is not always easy. This generation of older adults, was raised in a time when depression was not understood as a biological illness, rather was thought of as a character weakness. In addition, it is often difficult for an older adult to separate emotion from their physical ailments and to describe how he or she is feeling. Holiday times present a unique opportunity to detect and recognize depression. Holidays often bring together family members who live in different parts of the state or country and they see firsthand the changes in their older family members. Recognizing depression is often done by noticing that the individual is not caring for themselves as they once had, their homes are in greater disarray, they don't get out as often or the individual seems more confused. Some of the common symptoms of late-life depression include: persistent sadness, withdrawal from regular social activities, excessive worry about finances or health, an increase in complaints about physical health or physical functioning, weight changes, frequent tearfulness, slowed thinking or increased confusion and changes in sleep patterns. Left undiagnosed and untreated depression can lead to a loss of independence, increased symptoms of other illnesses, premature death and suicide. However, when properly diagnosed and treated, most older adults improve dramatically with treatment and can recover from depression.
An older adult who may be depressed should see a medical professional whether it be their primary care physician, a psychologist or a psychiatrist. A thorough evaluation should include not only a discussion of current life circumstances and changes, but also a thorough social history and medical examination. Today there are many options in effective treatments for depression including both behavioral and pharmacological interventions. There are a variety of medications that can be safely used in older adults that do not "just snow" the patient. Talk therapy can be done in the office or in a care facility and involves developing new ways of thinking about one's situation and confronting negative thoughts and moods. It is very important that the depressed person find a therapist with whom he or she feels comfortable and who has experience with older patients. Individuals should also try to avoid alcohol, remain socially active, and to talk to a friend or confidant about their thoughts and feelings.
by Karen Ahrens, PsyD
"Have a Merry Christmas." "Happy Holidays." "Glad tidings." " It's the most wonderful time of the year." We expect that these things will be true during a "joyous holiday season." For most of us the holidays are a happy time to gather with friends and family to celebrate and to reflect on the past. For some, especially older individuals, the holidays can be a difficult time of year. There are financial limitations, difficulty getting around to religious services or holiday events, and lessened ability to write or read holiday correspondence. During the holidays older adults may also feel more acutely the passing of time, the absence of parents, siblings or friends who have died and the distance of loved ones who have moved away. These feelings are generally temporary and the individual returns to his or her normal mood state as the holidays end and their normal day to day routine sets back in. For some however the holidays are a time when they recognize depression. The difference is, that a clinically depressed person suffers from symptoms that interfere with his or her ability to function in everyday life and that these symptoms include much more than just feeling "blue."
Recognizing depression in older adults is not always easy. This generation of older adults, was raised in a time when depression was not understood as a biological illness, rather was thought of as a character weakness. In addition, it is often difficult for an older adult to separate emotion from their physical ailments and to describe how he or she is feeling. Holiday times present a unique opportunity to detect and recognize depression. Holidays often bring together family members who live in different parts of the state or country and they see firsthand the changes in their older family members. Recognizing depression is often done by noticing that the individual is not caring for themselves as they once had, their homes are in greater disarray, they don't get out as often or the individual seems more confused. Some of the common symptoms of late-life depression include: persistent sadness, withdrawal from regular social activities, excessive worry about finances or health, an increase in complaints about physical health or physical functioning, weight changes, frequent tearfulness, slowed thinking or increased confusion and changes in sleep patterns. Left undiagnosed and untreated depression can lead to a loss of independence, increased symptoms of other illnesses, premature death and suicide. However, when properly diagnosed and treated, most older adults improve dramatically with treatment and can recover from depression.
An older adult who may be depressed should see a medical professional whether it be their primary care physician, a psychologist or a psychiatrist. A thorough evaluation should include not only a discussion of current life circumstances and changes, but also a thorough social history and medical examination. Today there are many options in effective treatments for depression including both behavioral and pharmacological interventions. There are a variety of medications that can be safely used in older adults that do not "just snow" the patient. Talk therapy can be done in the office or in a care facility and involves developing new ways of thinking about one's situation and confronting negative thoughts and moods. It is very important that the depressed person find a therapist with whom he or she feels comfortable and who has experience with older patients. Individuals should also try to avoid alcohol, remain socially active, and to talk to a friend or confidant about their thoughts and feelings.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Great Reminder from Paula Caplan on Remembering the Basics in Therapy
Hello Everyone!
I am including a link here to a great article from Paula Caplan about remembering that "Listening" and caring are the greatest tools we have as therapists and that's really what it's all about - Making sure that we are making a positive and human connection with each client we see. Even back in the early part of the last century one of the early Psychoanalysts, Carl Jung, shared this same sentiment with his quote, "Learn your theories the best you can but leave them all at the door when you encounter the miracle of the human soul"!
Have a great day!
Warren Phillips, Ph.D.
Article by Paula Kaplan, Ph.D.
I am including a link here to a great article from Paula Caplan about remembering that "Listening" and caring are the greatest tools we have as therapists and that's really what it's all about - Making sure that we are making a positive and human connection with each client we see. Even back in the early part of the last century one of the early Psychoanalysts, Carl Jung, shared this same sentiment with his quote, "Learn your theories the best you can but leave them all at the door when you encounter the miracle of the human soul"!
Have a great day!
Warren Phillips, Ph.D.
Article by Paula Kaplan, Ph.D.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Updates from CIPS
Well, we're officially moving into Autumn now at CIPS. Like many of the experiences of autumn, CIPS has also had many changes recently. One of our long-time therapists in our West Des Moines office, Kim Cade-Worrell, recently moved on to a different job, seeking new experiences in her life journey. We also have new therapists that have joined us in both our West Des Moines office and our Ames office for a total of 17 therapists across both offices now.
In our West Des Moines office we are now working with Karin Beschin, LMHC who is a mental health counselor specializing with kids, teens, families, and couples. Amy Cantazaro, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and works with kids, teens and families conducting psychological evaluations and psychotherapy. We also have a new addition to our clerical staff in West Des Moines, Ms. Christine Sherrick. If you call our West Des Moines office (515) 222-1999, feel free to say hi to Christine when she answers the phone:-)
In Ames, Emily Childress, LMFT joined us and specializes with children, teens, and families. Ms. Childress is also an EMDR practitioner and specializes in helping children and teens work through trauma and anxiety. Ms. Susie Lang, LMHC has also joined us in Ames and specializes in working with kids, teens, young adults, families, and couples and is fluent in both English and Spanish. To make an appointment with one of our Ames therapists just give us a call at (515) 233-1122.
Although changes (both positive and negative) can be stressful, there is always meaning potential present.
I hope that you are finding value in any changes that might be happening in your life this Autumn.
Best Wishes from CIPS!
Warren Phillips, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Owner & CEO, Central Iowa Psychological Services
http://www.iowacounseling.com/
In our West Des Moines office we are now working with Karin Beschin, LMHC who is a mental health counselor specializing with kids, teens, families, and couples. Amy Cantazaro, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and works with kids, teens and families conducting psychological evaluations and psychotherapy. We also have a new addition to our clerical staff in West Des Moines, Ms. Christine Sherrick. If you call our West Des Moines office (515) 222-1999, feel free to say hi to Christine when she answers the phone:-)
In Ames, Emily Childress, LMFT joined us and specializes with children, teens, and families. Ms. Childress is also an EMDR practitioner and specializes in helping children and teens work through trauma and anxiety. Ms. Susie Lang, LMHC has also joined us in Ames and specializes in working with kids, teens, young adults, families, and couples and is fluent in both English and Spanish. To make an appointment with one of our Ames therapists just give us a call at (515) 233-1122.
Although changes (both positive and negative) can be stressful, there is always meaning potential present.
I hope that you are finding value in any changes that might be happening in your life this Autumn.
Best Wishes from CIPS!
Warren Phillips, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Owner & CEO, Central Iowa Psychological Services
http://www.iowacounseling.com/
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